Yeah So What?

So I haven't updated in awhile eh? It's been forever since I blogged anything, and my information is all outta date, not to mention the fact that my profile picture is all broken and stuff. Pretty sorry state of affairs. Not like anybody reads this thing anymore, anyway. Too busy on Facebook, no doubt, but I'm guilty on that count, myself.

What have I been doing with my time, you may ask? Playing lots of music (B.O.R.'s first show is coming up on June 28th at Logan's pub, woo!), and finally got back into writing Truestar's Fire after a long hiatus.. chapter 8 is nearing completion!

And we moved, and I got a new job with the Government, which I guess I posted about before, but it still feels sorta new. Anyway, that's it for now. I may get around to fixing up the joint sooner or later. But if I don't, I'm sure nobody will mind.

Lots and lots and lots of Changes!

Yeah, I haven't posted in little while, so sue me, ya know??!?!?!??!?!

Anyway, my absenteeism in the blog world is certainly not on account of nothing going on in my life; au contraire! Much has happened since our dear departed Baron found his way to the rainbow bridge, most of it good!

To sum up, Lisa's mom quit her job around the middle of April or so, in preparation for her move to Ontario to help look after her mom, and all of went into overdrive getting the house ready to be moved out of.

The first phase, of course, was a massive cleanup and sorting effort in our garage, which had come to quite closely resemble the scrapyard across the water from my new job (I'll get to that part later). This took some time.. well a lot of time. As anyone who was involved in our last move can attest to, we had a lot of stuff. Much more than even we thought possible, and that was after having gotten rid of what we thought was a lot to begin with. Well, the new place doesn't have a garage, or any kind of appreciable storage, for that matter, so this time around we knew we actually had to get rid of about 95% of our crap. One way or another, it had to go!

Figuring that we actually had a lot of nice stuff that couldn't come with us, we held a series of very successful garage sales, eventually raking in about $1000 total between selling some nice furniture and other items. The rest of it went to the dump, or the salvation army. It was strangely satisfying to throw certain objects into the garbage.. items that had been following us around for so long we couldn't remember ever NOT having it.. but once it was gone it was like a weight was lifted off!

Moving day was actually a rather relaxed and laid back occassion, done over the course of about 12 hours, with frequent breaks. Where the last move involved about 10 people, a giant moving truck (almost a semi-trailer), my step-dad's fullsize pickup truck and two cars, this time, we did the entire thing with just the pickup truck and our car, and it seemed like there was very little to brought with us. It's a nice feeling, like starting over.

Of course, the day after the move I started my new job with the government. The Ministry of Aboriginal Relations and Reconciliation, to be exact. I like my job - it is challenging in ways I haven't really experienced before, but I am learning a lot and the change of pace has been a really positive experience thus far. I even have an interview coming up for a promotion already - that rocks!

I guess there really isn't a lot I can complain about, at least not huge things. I guess I've been a little frustrated lately over the seeming flakiness of some of the people in my life. I mean, it's always frustrating when plans change without warning, or when great ideas fall through, but that's life. I guess my frustration stems from the lack of communication about things, or the lack of basic politeness. How about an explanation for starters, just so that I know what's happening; did I overstep my bounds? Did I somehow piss someone off without knowing it? Unfortunately, since some people seem suddenly unwilling or unable to have a conversation about things, intentions never become known and it feels like jumping to conclusions is the order of the day!

On the other hand - if I ask if you're interested in being involved with something I am doing, you're free to say no! But, if you're going to say "Yes, I'm interested", then be willing to ACTUALLY do what you said you'd do! And if you decide after the fact, that you'd actually rather not, or don't have the time, or whatever, then TELL SOMEBODY! For frick sake, stop saying "Yeah I can make it" and then dropping off the face of the frickin' planet! !@(*)#$*#$)

There you go.. rant over!

All in all, things are good :)

Goodnight, Buddy.. Thanks for Being So Good to Us..

Those of you who know me well know that I seldom cry, but I am crying right now, because Lisa and I lost a very dear and beloved friend and companion last night, in a completely unexpected and sudden turn of events. We knew that his time was growing short, but we expected that we would be the ones to decide when it would happen. Last night that choice was taken away from us -- a small mercy, but one that I can appreciate, having not looked forward to having to make such a difficult decision based on own arbitrary interpretation of his quality of life.

Last night, there were no difficult choices to make, only heart-wrenching certainties. It was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Baron's time to go. I only wish he could have done so without all of the pain that accompanied the hour or so before the end. Last night, around 9:30 pm or so, Baron developed something called Torsion - also called 'The Mother of all dog emergencies', or so I have been reading. Basically, for reasons not fully understood by anyone who has studied the condition, the stomach becomes bloated to several times its normal size and then twists, cutting off the dog's esophagus and the blood supply to the stomach and spleen. From what I've been reading, it is one of the most painful, and THE most urgent medical emergency that a dog can encounter, because it can be fatal within minutes or hours, as well as because of the pain.

I take some solace in the fact that Baron's first instinct when the pain began, and he didn't know what to do about it, was to come to Lisa and I. I know that he knew how much we love him, and that he trusted us, and was comforted by our presence. He wasn't a terribly active dog for the past several months, because of his Degenerative Myelopathy, but he always seemed content just to be in the same room as us, and even though it took a great deal of effort for him to get around some days, he would still get up and come to wherever we were. He was our dog, and we were his humans, and he knew that as well as we did.

I'll always laugh when I think about his goofy "smile", and his one loppy ear. He was a puppy at heart, no matter how old his body got. I'm glad he never lost that, and I'm glad we had the opportunity to have him for the last 3 years or so of his life. They were good years, and I know that he appreciated them as much as we did. He was a good boy to the end, and he deserved to be relieved of his pain.

I guess it was a bit of a no-brainer then, when at the emergency vet clinic they told us what had happened and what his options were. Basically, something had to be done immediately, and the only treatment option was a potentially $7000 surgery, from which he would only have a 50% chance of survival at best. Even if we'd had the money, it would have been a selfish thing to do - he needed to be set free. After seeing the kind of pain he had been in at home and on the way to the vet, we knew it was the right decision. They gave him something for the pain, and some sedative, so when we were with him at the end, he seemed to be relaxed, and not hurting. He went out doing the thing we most loved to watch, when he would get really tired and his eyes would roll back as he fell into a peaceful sleep. It always made us laugh, and maybe he figured he would leave us with a good memory, though he'll have to forgive us if we didn't laugh this time.

Oh well, I'm just rambling now, trying to process everything that has happened in the last 12 hours or so. What else can I say - it was sucky, crappy, shitty night, and I'm really hurting right now. I don't know if dogs go anywhere when they die, but I hope I'll get to see him again one day.

We All Have Something That Digs at Us

I heard this song for the first time last week sometime - it's the new single on the radio by the band Incubus, and it is just an incredible song. I just love the honesty of the lyrics and how well it applies to my life.

I also can't help but think of my wife, Lisa, when I listen to it. This song pretty well sums up our relationship...

Incubus - Dig

We all have a weakness

But some of ours are easier to identify.

Look me in the eye and ask for forgiveness;

We'll make a pact to never speak that word again

Yes you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when weakness turns my ego up

I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under what is covering

The better part of me

Sing this song

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness

That cleverly attaches and multiplies

No matter how hard we try.

We all have something that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when sickness turns my ego up

I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under what is covering

The better part of me.

Sing this song!

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone.

Oh each other....

When everything else is gone.

The Die Has Been Cast...

As I was writing the title, I got to thinking that I really didn't know what the original source of that expression was. I've always thought of it as being related to throwing the dice in a game of chance - once the die is cast, fate is out of one's own hands and in the hands of, well, fate. Seems fitting. I also realized that this also fits in the context of die-casting metal; once you have cast the die, the shape of whatever you are making is set (but not in stone, in steel!). So the expression serves as a statement of inevitability about one's circumstances. The decision has been made, and there is no going back.

I guess in my case, either of these variations could apply - in one sense, a decision has been made, and is now going forward regardless of any second guessing on the part of Lisa and I. In the other sense, we really don't know exactly what to expect, but whatever the outcome ends up as, it is no longer in our hands.

This is all to say that we have made the big, and fairly heavy decision to move again. It was a really hard thing to do, because, unlike the rat-infested mould kingdom we left the last time, we love our house, and we love our town. We love our quiet, little neighbourhood, and we love that we can walk out our front door and have everything we need within easy reach of where our feet can take us. We love the airplanes flying over head, and we love our yard.

But, we are giving up all of that, less because we want to, and more because we have to. With Lisa's mom's store having gone belly-up (no fault of hers I might add), she is left with the prospect of not having a job in the near future. With her mother sick with alzheimer's, she is faced with the prospect of not having a mom in the near future. So she is going to go live with her sister and help look after her mom for awhile, in Ontario. I think it's the best thing she could do right now, but it had put Lisa and I in an uncomfortable position, because without having her significant help with our $1200 rent, there is no way we can stay in that house, not and survive as a couple. Even as things are now, money is always tight, and constantly on my mind.

I hate having to be stressed about finances everytime we go out to eat, or go to a movie, nevermind the sheer financial hell that the mere mention of going on a holiday anywhere inevitably creates.

Barry, my step-dad, said some very wise things to us when we were discussing all of this with he and my mom; he said that as much as we may love our house, and where we are at geographically speaking, all of that is far less important with how we are doing as a couple, and whether we are really living and enjoying our life. We can't live without money - it is a both a blessing and a curse, but it is also necessary. In the state we are in, we have a lot of debts, and a lot of expenses, and a lot of bills -- to really live and enjoy life is made difficult, if not impossible, in the financial state we are in, so if we really want to get ahead in life, and enjoy it, and live it, we may need to sacrifice our nice house, and all the rest of that, to get ourselves in a position of freedom.

Toward that end, Barry suggested to my mom that Lisa and I rent out the bottom floor suite of their house - which, ironically, is something we had actually been gunning for before we moved into our current abode. To do so would be advantageous for everybody involved, and would give us a really great opportunity to offload a lot of our expenses and actually start to pay off our debts. We both realize that this is the opportunity to "start over again" in many ways, that we have been seeking for a long time.

I feel like Lisa and I have been battling in the arena ever since we got married, duking our way through battle after battle to stay alive - there have been times of triumph and times of defeat, but we've taken a lot of setbacks, and we're exhausted. This is our chance to take a breather and step into the practice ring for awhile to get in shape for the real battles to come. It means stepping away from the glories of the arena for awhile, but in the end we'll be able to come back and win.

In preparation for all of this - we are getting rid of about 98% of our crap. Having a garage sale in March, and giving a lot of our furniture to my brother, who is going to be moving out of the suite we'll be moving into. We have a lot of stuff that needs sorting and either selling or just junking.. perhaps once we get a solid inventory I'll post some of it up and take offers haha :)

May 1st is the big day when we say bye to Sidney, for awhile at least.

The Two-Faced Church of Something-or-other

I can definately admit that I rely entirely too much on my own brain.. although on the same token, I think the church is plagued with people who don't use their brains enough..

The frightening part is that it is those ones who are running the show.

There is a balance that needs to be achieved, however I don't think it is possible to do that in an organized setting.. too much politics.. too many people with double standards.. too many "leaders" who have convinced themselves that they have kicked their "sin" habit

It's like the whole Ted Haggard thing.. I read an interview with the assistant pastor who took over for him, and they claimed that after three weeks of intensive counselling, he is suddenly a "cured" heterosexual and drug free (after decades of secret gay love affairs and meth binges).. which is just.. beyond pretentious, and ridiculous.

The pastor went on to talk about (rightly so) that God does not see sin on a bell curve, and that one sin is no worse than any other sin to God. Almost in the next breath he says that "of course, Ted Haggard will never be allowed into any ministry leadership ever again - he's banned."

Like WTH? So here is where logic takes me, and I believe this is more accurate than most Christians would like to believe.. but if pastors truly believe that all sins are equal, and yet they will ban someone from leadership for coming out as gay (sinning), especially if they believe the person to be "cured" as this guy claims, then in order for them to reconcile their own leadership role it must mean that somewhere inside their small, deluded heads they believe themselves to be free of sinning. Sure, they'll talk a blue streak about how badly they used to sin in their pasts, but clearly, since they are now worthy to be pastors and church leaders, they must have somehow learned how NOT to sin, and are now perfect.

So I have to ask myself - SHOULD a person like Ted Haggard be allowed to get back onto the pulpit? I guess my question is - why not? What is it that seperates one sinful lifestyle from another? Find me a pastor who isn't living a sinful lifestyle and I'll buy you an island. The problem we have decided that there are sins that are acceptable and sins that are not, which is garbage.

It can definately be argued that there is a difference between "sinning" and living a "sinful lifestyle", but when it comes down to it, I don't believe there is a difference. We are ALL living in sin, some of us just do it in less obvious ways. And that is the key word I think - "Less obvious" .. it is more a question of PR than it is about anything scriptural -- we don't like how it LOOKS for a gay man to be a pastor, or even in church for that matter, because their sin is on display, as opposed to all of the secret sins that every other person lives in..

A good friend of mine made the argument that "just because you get angry at someone once in the week doesn't mean you are living in sin unless you don't recognize it and continue to harbor bad feelings for that person...if you realize it and ask for forgiveness from the person and God...that is a lot different then being in an affair whether homo or hetero." And I do believe she has a point.

My thoughts on this, however, are that being angry isn't necessarily a sin. Living an angry lifestyle is. So if getting angry at someone "once a week" is a downfall for someone, that means that they are getting angry at other people at other times during the week, and inevitably every day of that person's life they are being angry at people. That's a sinful lifestyle.

The funny thing is, I have heard pastors use examples out of their own lives for comic effect, like storie about habitual road-rage, for example. I'll admit, road rage can make for some awfully funny stories, but the fact that these stories are used for comic effect demonstrates how badly deluded we are, that we actually have put a thing like "habitual road rage" in the "acceptable sin" category. I doubt anyone would laugh if a pastor started telling funny stories about how gay he is.

Here's another example - in my experience Church women tend to be habitual gossips, however, as much as a Christian will admit that gossiping is a sin, when put to it, we will accept a woman as Godly despite her "little gossiping habit" much more readily than we would accept a homosexual man for his "little gay sex habit".

Again, what's the difference?

It Never Rains But it Pours / The Eyes Have It!

So this is a double post (thus the two titles) - like two posts in one.. I was meaning to post about the first thing earlier but never got around to it, so now I'm just going to put all of my news into one! See - simple.



It Never Rains But it Pours


On sunday my band The Black Orchid Rebellion finally secured a functional jam-space in downtown Victoria and had our first REAL jam in there. For the first time I really saw and heard how good we are going to be live, and just how well the three of us actually work together, as we jammed it up really well - the songs seemed to come together very naturally and everyone seemed on top of their game. We even did a little arranging / writing on one song called 'Contagious', which previously hadn't had a lot of work done on it.

We kicked that songs butt, let me tell you. I've been borrowing Spencer's Big Muff overdrive pedal, which is a great pedal for putting a really cool sounding distortion on bass, and that ended up being an overriding theme of the song - a simple, smooth, and crunchy-sounding bass line underneath an almost Metric-esque drum-beat and cleanly distorted guitar turning dirty around the end of the song. Anyway, it was really good. Hopefully we will have some recordings soon, as Spencer moved his recording computer in there.

In other music news, the other band I am playing with finally had a full-out jam session last night in Brian's home studio. This was both of our first times playing with Shayne, the drummer, who is actually very, very good. Brian is a great guitar player as well, and we had a really good time jamming out some sweet tunes, including one of my own devising (I came up with a bass line that the other two totally built upon, ending in an alternatingly almost industrial / surf sounding song. Sounds weird, but it worked.) For a little taste of what we are doing, you can check out Brian's myspace page. The other cool thing is that we are going to most likely share the jam-space with B.O.R. , which will make it a lot cheaper for everyone - especially if this band ends up with four or five members as we are planning. $200 split between seven people is much better than split between three!









The cool thing is that I am getting so damned inspired musically lately, just in simple things like my own personal sound as a bassist. Having been listening to a lot of Muse lately, I totally want to be a bassist that makes a real creative impression by being central to the sound of whatever band I'm in.. to that end I have been playing with various effects and techniques - that Big Muff pedal I was talking about puts out some great sounds, and I also went into Long & McQuade to try out something I had never even really heard of previously, called a Bass Synth pedal (specifically the Electro-Harmonix Micro Bass Synthesizer) and I was totally blow away by the sounds this thing can come out with! It's like playing a synthesizer through my bass guitar.. just plain cool, and it will make me different than 99% of all the other bassists out there. I may not be a terribly technical player -- I like to play simply, and drive the song as much as possible (although there are times when I like to add interest to the low-end as well), but I want to make whatever I am involved with sound different, and cool. Too bad this thing is so expensive, but it's worth saving for. Other thing I need to get is a good compressor - a mainstay of any bassist for fattening up the tone.

So, to sum up - you can expect to hear some cool things out of my bands in the near future, I think!








The Eyes Have It!



In other news, my on-going eye-tearing problem has hopefully (cross my fingers) been taken care of today, after much long frustration and repeated eye-wiping for the past year and a half or so. I finally got in to see an Opthalmologist a couple of weeks ago, and he basically said that my persistent tearing was likely the result of either allergies or a blocked tear-duct. So I tried some drops for ten days or so, which did not solve the problem.


Today I went in to have my tear-duct irrigated in the hopes of discovering the blockage and fixing it - this was an interesting procedure, as the opthalmologist had to use freezing drops and then stuck a couple of different probes into my tear duct to "dilate" (stretch) the tear duct, and he noticed at that point that my tear duct was extremely tight, which was possibly the true cause of the problem. Anyway, after he had sufficiently stretched the sucker out he stuck another syringe-like probe in there and squeezed water or something through there. If there were no blockages I would feel the liquid draining down the back of throat, and sure enough I felt it.. and it was a strange, strange sensation let me tell you.


So we ruled out a blockage, however the doctor believed the problem was likely happening because my duct was so tight, and he said that the dilation might help for a day or two, or maybe a month, but would likely not fix it permanently. The best solution, in his opinion was a "three snip" procedure, in which he would freeze my eye (with a needle), and then use some tiny scissors to make a triangular incision (thus the three snips) to enlarge the tear duct. He said I could wait to see how the dilation worked, or he could just do the snipping right now, and I opted to just get it over with, as I have had quite enough of the tearing and wiping by now.


Probably the most painful part was the needle he had to stick in there to freeze it.. Lisa stayed and watched the whole thing, and she reported that my face while he was putting the needle in was the worst part for her. Yeah, it hurt, I will admit, and probably largely due to the fact that it was in my friggin' eye! Then he went about the snipping, which was a little uncomfortable in parts, but wasn't too terrible. Didn't take very long, at least.






The doctor seemed to appreciate the irony of the shirt I chose to wear to his office, which Lisa scored me on the weekend, though it seemed to make him slightly nervous... not really.



Anyway, my eye is kinda swollen and a little sore, but I will survive. I decided that it was probably not in my best interest to drive to work though. And besides, I have decided to make it a personal policy that any day in which I am subject to any sort of surgery, whether minor or major, is an automatic sick day.



Well, there's the news!