We All Have Something That Digs at Us

I heard this song for the first time last week sometime - it's the new single on the radio by the band Incubus, and it is just an incredible song. I just love the honesty of the lyrics and how well it applies to my life.

I also can't help but think of my wife, Lisa, when I listen to it. This song pretty well sums up our relationship...

Incubus - Dig

We all have a weakness

But some of ours are easier to identify.

Look me in the eye and ask for forgiveness;

We'll make a pact to never speak that word again

Yes you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when weakness turns my ego up

I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under what is covering

The better part of me

Sing this song

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness

That cleverly attaches and multiplies

No matter how hard we try.

We all have something that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when sickness turns my ego up

I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under what is covering

The better part of me.

Sing this song!

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone.

Oh each other....

When everything else is gone.

The Die Has Been Cast...

As I was writing the title, I got to thinking that I really didn't know what the original source of that expression was. I've always thought of it as being related to throwing the dice in a game of chance - once the die is cast, fate is out of one's own hands and in the hands of, well, fate. Seems fitting. I also realized that this also fits in the context of die-casting metal; once you have cast the die, the shape of whatever you are making is set (but not in stone, in steel!). So the expression serves as a statement of inevitability about one's circumstances. The decision has been made, and there is no going back.

I guess in my case, either of these variations could apply - in one sense, a decision has been made, and is now going forward regardless of any second guessing on the part of Lisa and I. In the other sense, we really don't know exactly what to expect, but whatever the outcome ends up as, it is no longer in our hands.

This is all to say that we have made the big, and fairly heavy decision to move again. It was a really hard thing to do, because, unlike the rat-infested mould kingdom we left the last time, we love our house, and we love our town. We love our quiet, little neighbourhood, and we love that we can walk out our front door and have everything we need within easy reach of where our feet can take us. We love the airplanes flying over head, and we love our yard.

But, we are giving up all of that, less because we want to, and more because we have to. With Lisa's mom's store having gone belly-up (no fault of hers I might add), she is left with the prospect of not having a job in the near future. With her mother sick with alzheimer's, she is faced with the prospect of not having a mom in the near future. So she is going to go live with her sister and help look after her mom for awhile, in Ontario. I think it's the best thing she could do right now, but it had put Lisa and I in an uncomfortable position, because without having her significant help with our $1200 rent, there is no way we can stay in that house, not and survive as a couple. Even as things are now, money is always tight, and constantly on my mind.

I hate having to be stressed about finances everytime we go out to eat, or go to a movie, nevermind the sheer financial hell that the mere mention of going on a holiday anywhere inevitably creates.

Barry, my step-dad, said some very wise things to us when we were discussing all of this with he and my mom; he said that as much as we may love our house, and where we are at geographically speaking, all of that is far less important with how we are doing as a couple, and whether we are really living and enjoying our life. We can't live without money - it is a both a blessing and a curse, but it is also necessary. In the state we are in, we have a lot of debts, and a lot of expenses, and a lot of bills -- to really live and enjoy life is made difficult, if not impossible, in the financial state we are in, so if we really want to get ahead in life, and enjoy it, and live it, we may need to sacrifice our nice house, and all the rest of that, to get ourselves in a position of freedom.

Toward that end, Barry suggested to my mom that Lisa and I rent out the bottom floor suite of their house - which, ironically, is something we had actually been gunning for before we moved into our current abode. To do so would be advantageous for everybody involved, and would give us a really great opportunity to offload a lot of our expenses and actually start to pay off our debts. We both realize that this is the opportunity to "start over again" in many ways, that we have been seeking for a long time.

I feel like Lisa and I have been battling in the arena ever since we got married, duking our way through battle after battle to stay alive - there have been times of triumph and times of defeat, but we've taken a lot of setbacks, and we're exhausted. This is our chance to take a breather and step into the practice ring for awhile to get in shape for the real battles to come. It means stepping away from the glories of the arena for awhile, but in the end we'll be able to come back and win.

In preparation for all of this - we are getting rid of about 98% of our crap. Having a garage sale in March, and giving a lot of our furniture to my brother, who is going to be moving out of the suite we'll be moving into. We have a lot of stuff that needs sorting and either selling or just junking.. perhaps once we get a solid inventory I'll post some of it up and take offers haha :)

May 1st is the big day when we say bye to Sidney, for awhile at least.

The Two-Faced Church of Something-or-other

I can definately admit that I rely entirely too much on my own brain.. although on the same token, I think the church is plagued with people who don't use their brains enough..

The frightening part is that it is those ones who are running the show.

There is a balance that needs to be achieved, however I don't think it is possible to do that in an organized setting.. too much politics.. too many people with double standards.. too many "leaders" who have convinced themselves that they have kicked their "sin" habit

It's like the whole Ted Haggard thing.. I read an interview with the assistant pastor who took over for him, and they claimed that after three weeks of intensive counselling, he is suddenly a "cured" heterosexual and drug free (after decades of secret gay love affairs and meth binges).. which is just.. beyond pretentious, and ridiculous.

The pastor went on to talk about (rightly so) that God does not see sin on a bell curve, and that one sin is no worse than any other sin to God. Almost in the next breath he says that "of course, Ted Haggard will never be allowed into any ministry leadership ever again - he's banned."

Like WTH? So here is where logic takes me, and I believe this is more accurate than most Christians would like to believe.. but if pastors truly believe that all sins are equal, and yet they will ban someone from leadership for coming out as gay (sinning), especially if they believe the person to be "cured" as this guy claims, then in order for them to reconcile their own leadership role it must mean that somewhere inside their small, deluded heads they believe themselves to be free of sinning. Sure, they'll talk a blue streak about how badly they used to sin in their pasts, but clearly, since they are now worthy to be pastors and church leaders, they must have somehow learned how NOT to sin, and are now perfect.

So I have to ask myself - SHOULD a person like Ted Haggard be allowed to get back onto the pulpit? I guess my question is - why not? What is it that seperates one sinful lifestyle from another? Find me a pastor who isn't living a sinful lifestyle and I'll buy you an island. The problem we have decided that there are sins that are acceptable and sins that are not, which is garbage.

It can definately be argued that there is a difference between "sinning" and living a "sinful lifestyle", but when it comes down to it, I don't believe there is a difference. We are ALL living in sin, some of us just do it in less obvious ways. And that is the key word I think - "Less obvious" .. it is more a question of PR than it is about anything scriptural -- we don't like how it LOOKS for a gay man to be a pastor, or even in church for that matter, because their sin is on display, as opposed to all of the secret sins that every other person lives in..

A good friend of mine made the argument that "just because you get angry at someone once in the week doesn't mean you are living in sin unless you don't recognize it and continue to harbor bad feelings for that person...if you realize it and ask for forgiveness from the person and God...that is a lot different then being in an affair whether homo or hetero." And I do believe she has a point.

My thoughts on this, however, are that being angry isn't necessarily a sin. Living an angry lifestyle is. So if getting angry at someone "once a week" is a downfall for someone, that means that they are getting angry at other people at other times during the week, and inevitably every day of that person's life they are being angry at people. That's a sinful lifestyle.

The funny thing is, I have heard pastors use examples out of their own lives for comic effect, like storie about habitual road-rage, for example. I'll admit, road rage can make for some awfully funny stories, but the fact that these stories are used for comic effect demonstrates how badly deluded we are, that we actually have put a thing like "habitual road rage" in the "acceptable sin" category. I doubt anyone would laugh if a pastor started telling funny stories about how gay he is.

Here's another example - in my experience Church women tend to be habitual gossips, however, as much as a Christian will admit that gossiping is a sin, when put to it, we will accept a woman as Godly despite her "little gossiping habit" much more readily than we would accept a homosexual man for his "little gay sex habit".

Again, what's the difference?